In case you've not figured it out, the title of this blog is a reference to Jung's analytical psychology regarding the various archetypes of the human psyche. The Shadow Self, or 'Shadow,' being the archetype that holds our dark thoughts, desires, and fantasies that we consciously deem inappropriate and thus suppress, as it does not align with the image we have of ourselves.
...or, perhaps, it just scares us...
For a number of reasons, I am going to remain mostly anonymous, but you can call me Mr. B.
I'm in my 40s, I have been married for 15 years, and I'm a Dom.
Only within the last 2 or 3 have we openly acknowledged the power dynamic that we have in our marriage. It's mostly always existed, as my wife is submissive by nature, but we never labeled or acknowledged it, and I never really recognized my Dominant side as being what it is.
My sexual imagination started earlier in life than for most, I suspect. I was introduced to Playboy at around 6 and immediately became obsessed with women. Especially naked ones.
The older I got, the more obsessed I became. However, by around 10 my imagination started to turn a bit dark and most, if not all, of my fantasies involved power, control, and dominance – and usually didn't involve consent.
I'm not entirely sure what prompted it. I'm sure Freud would point to 'mommy issues,' which yes, there were some. I also had a physically abusive father, which I'm sure probably compounded it. But, by my early teens, it was all that I thought about.
In my last post I briefly mentioned spending time on IRC and being involved in hacking groups, and I felt it might be worth expanding on that since it's relevant to who I am today.
I started playing with computers when I was around 10 or so. We got our first modem when I was around 12 and I immediately began connecting to various BBS ('Bulletin Board Systems') in my area. That transitioned into AOL (puke), which gave me some access to the actual internet.
It didn't take too long paying $3.50/hr, or whatever it was, to find an internet provider and gain unfettered access to the whole internet that didn't come with a dollar-per-hour charge.
I quickly discovered IRC, which then led to an interest in hacking. I was part of a few very well-known groups—one of which you can still find articles about, as well as related indictments listed in the DOJ archives.
As part of our exploration of this dynamic, my wife has tried to encourage me to 'let go' and allow myself to truly come out.
I haven't allowed that to happen for a few reasons, but mostly because I've compartmentalized the more extreme desires and impulses for so long that the idea of allowing them to come out feels incredibly uncomfortable.
And honestly the thought scares me a bit.
A part of any D/s dynamic is punishment, which is something that confuses most non-D/s couples. They can't fathom the idea of either punishing, or being punished by, their spouse or significant other. However, they ignore the emotional punishments that exists in their conflicts.
...Guilt trips, silent treatment, gaslighting, withholding sex or affection...
I talked about punishment a bit in my last post and it was shortly after making that post that my wife and I had our first fight in a very, very (very), long time.
Ever since embracing and exploring the Dom/sub dynamic, we haven't really fought about things the way we used to for a few different reasons:
She trusts and has full faith in me that decisions that I'm making are the best for her and the family, so rather than question or argue with me, she has learned to accept that most of those things aren't hers to worry about.
And, because I'm a responsible man who loves his wife, I take that trust extremely seriously and knowing that she's putting 100% faith in me means that I absolutely cannot let her down or do anything that may erode her faith or trust in me. I understand that her submission to me is a gift, and it's fragile, and fucking up can have dire consequences.
Fights and arguments in a relationship are typically the result of two people who have the same authority having a strong opinion on the same topic. You don't fight with your child, right? They likely fight with you, but you are the authority figure and ultimately what you say goes. If you're fighting with them, you're doing it wrong.
Recently I've started opening up more to my wife about my 'shadow self,' which has prompted some deep discussions and self reflection & analysis.
I happened across an interesting doctoral thesis written by Emma Turley entitled, It started when I barked once when I was licking his boots!’: A phenomenological study of the experience of bondage, discipline, dominance & submission, and sadism & masochism and I quickly started down the rabbit hole of trying to understand the psychology behind my darker desires.
In her thesis, she mentions the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and how it views various sexual kinks. I'm very familiar with the DSM due to having been diagnosed as autistic and using it to research myself, but for whatever reason it never occured to me to use it to diagnose other parts of my psyche.
Well, it didn't take long for me to find the Paraphilic Disorders and Sexual Sadism Disorder, which is described as:
”...recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the physical or psychological suffering of another person, as manifested by fantasies, urges, or behaviors” (p. 696).