I hurt my wife...
As part of our exploration of this dynamic, my wife has tried to encourage me to 'let go' and allow myself to truly come out.
I haven't allowed that to happen for a few reasons, but mostly because I've compartmentalized the more extreme desires and impulses for so long that the idea of allowing them to come out feels incredibly uncomfortable.
And honestly the thought scares me a bit.
A part of any D/s dynamic is punishment, which is something that confuses most non-D/s couples. They can't fathom the idea of either punishing, or being punished by, their spouse or significant other. However, they ignore the emotional punishments that exists in their conflicts.
...Guilt trips, silent treatment, gaslighting, withholding sex or affection...
Those are, in a lot of ways, more damaging than a physical punishment and have longer lasting effects that winds up hurting the foundation of the relationship.
Alternatively, if my wife does something that upsets me, I'll physically punish her. When the punishment is over, there's no lingering questions as to whether or not I'm still upset with her, there's no long term guilt tripping, there's no “oh yeah? well.. remember when...”
It's over and done with.
My wife appreciates the black and white nature of it. She likes not having to guess if I'm upset with her, or if she did something wrong, or if I'm still upset with her about something. It's clear, concise, and direct. And it upsets her if I've not punished her for something she knows she's done that upset me. But, I reserve punishments for things that truly upset me, not for the day-to-day annoyances that come with cohabiting with another person, though I think she would prefer that I punish her for those things as well.
Prior to us embracing this dynamic, things used to work the other way and it resulted in terrible fights that could last a week and the emotional turmoil was far more devastating than any physical punishment would have been.
And then there are other times where she's more upset with herself than I am of her, and she'll 'demand' a punishment. Typically I wind up punishing her more for demanding the punishment than of the thing she did, but whatever...
During one of these punishments, her 'brat' (more on that in a different post) side kept coming out and demanding more. So, I decided that I was going to put a hard stop to that and I allowed some of the side of me that I usually suppress to come out and play.
I had a whole body adrenaline rush that consumed me. It was a similar experience to losing my virginity. It was truly an indescribable euphoria.
However, her experience was much different. She knows her safeword, but she was in such shock that she lost the ability to process what was happening and couldn't speak.
Thankfully, I was quick to recognize this and stopped without her having to use her safeword, which I was happy about because one of the concerns I have is that if I were to let that side of me out, that I wouldn't be able to fully control it... turns out, I can.
I tried to give her aftercare (which was fucking hard, by the way. Going from euphoria like that to having to be compassionate and caring for someone else's emotional state is a jarring transition), but she was unresponsive. She was conscious, but I could look in her eyes and tell that she was absent.
She wound up going upstairs and bawled in the shower for about a half an hour.
I wasn't sure how to feel exactly. Part of me felt bad, part of me felt confused and irritated and like trust had been broken — she knows her safeword and that she's to use it before it gets to this point, and yet another part of me wanted to live in that euphoria forever.
We talked quite a bit when she came back down. I made it clear that I was upset with her for not using her safeword and she explained what happened.
She also informed me that she didn't think that she had use of her safeword during punishments, ”...because it's a punishment and it's up to you to determine what and how much I deserve.” 🤯
I made sure to immediately correct that, as I had no idea that all this time she'd not realized that she ultimately had the power to make a punishment stop. I have no idea how she came to that conclusion, but it's certainly not something that I told her.
Anyway, she's fine. Aside from some bruising and tears, she survived. She was a bit concerned when, after the fact, she asked “how hard” I went and I told her maybe 5-10%. I informed her that I had just begun to experience pleasure from it when her brain broke and I stopped myself.
She wants so desperately to fulfill all of my needs and desires, but I think she's learning that there are limits to what she's capable of handling. I also have to be aware of this, too, because I know that she will push herself well outside of her comfort zone to try to appease me, so I have to be ready to recognize and intervene if I see her doing that.
— Mr. B.
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