Self Diagnosis...
Recently I've started opening up more to my wife about my 'shadow self,' which has prompted some deep discussions and self reflection & analysis.
I happened across an interesting doctoral thesis written by Emma Turley entitled, It started when I barked once when I was licking his boots!’: A phenomenological study of the experience of bondage, discipline, dominance & submission, and sadism & masochism and I quickly started down the rabbit hole of trying to understand the psychology behind my darker desires.
In her thesis, she mentions the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and how it views various sexual kinks. I'm very familiar with the DSM due to having been diagnosed as autistic and using it to research myself, but for whatever reason it never occured to me to use it to diagnose other parts of my psyche.
Well, it didn't take long for me to find the Paraphilic Disorders and Sexual Sadism Disorder, which is described as:
”...recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the physical or psychological suffering of another person, as manifested by fantasies, urges, or behaviors” (p. 696).
It was at this moment that my world was changed a bit. I'm obviously well aware of what a “sadist” is, or so I thought. My understanding was that it was limited to inflicting physical pain. I was unaware that the clinical definition of sadism also includes psychological pain and suffering, which is where my darkest kinks lie.
I never considered myself a sadist, because I don't really “get off” on inflicting physical pain. Even though I described experiencing a euphoria in this post, I don't believe that to be due to the pain I was inflicting, but rather the power and control I had over my wife in that moment. I could be wrong, though, as through this journey I'm learning a lot about myself that I didn't know. Though, in most of my dark fantasies, pain doesn't play a primary role, it's humiliation.
I've never explored any of my darker fantasies in real life, but I have through online roleplay for, well, about 30 years now.
My wife is aware that it's something I've done in the past, but she's not aware that it's something that I still do from time to time. I don't believe she would view it as 'cheating,' per se, since I don't have any relationship with the people I'm playing with, I don't know who they are in real life, I rarely play with the same person twice, and we don't ever talk outside of the context of roleplay, but I suspect it would hurt her in a few different ways. But, at the same time, she also knows that she can't give me some of the things that I desire, and I don't expect her to.
In fact, because I love and respect my wife, it would be extremely difficult for me to even consider doing these things to her, but that doesn't change the fact that I 'need' it.
I'm reading a book right now that's honestly kind of scaring me that is (unfortunately?) giving me further insight into some of this. It's by Roy Hazelwood, who was an FBI Criminal Profiler, called The Evil That Men Do: FBI Profiler Roy Hazelwood's Journey into the Minds of Sexual Predators. The part that is scary is that a lot of what he's heard from predators during his interviews exactly describes me.
It's honestly a bit horrifying and makes me wonder who, or what, is responsible for preventing me becoming one of them. What took place in my life that has allowed me to control and compartmentalize this part of me, where it clearly could have gone the other direction? Did having an outlet through roleplay allow me to feel like I was getting just enough of it to prevent me from going out and doing it for real? Or was it something else that I'm completely unaware of?
And, I guess the biggest question of all is, why do I think this way and have these fantasies in the first place?
It's also kind of ironic that I have zero male companions, but I cannot count how many female friends I have. Women have always been drawn to me. I'm very good at communicating with them, I understand how they think and feel, and I've spent years 'studying' them. I believe the latter is due to the whole autism thing, since it makes 'masking' easier if I understand them better.
And I've never cheated on my wife, but there have been a few close calls over the years where women, even married ones, have tried desperately to get me to fuck them. From what I've heard from them, it's the fact that I'm dominant and feel “dangerous” that's alluring to them. It's often made me wonder if perhaps they have a sixth sense that's picking up on my other self and they don't even realize it?
It's also made me wonder why the fuck they aren't listening to it. Seriously, ladies – ignore your pussy and trust your instincts.
I used to do photography as a side hustle and truly enjoyed it, but I quickly sexualized it and started shooting 'boudoir.' Between women feeling drawn to me (for whatever reason), and the fact that I was quite good at it, I had women wanting to shoot with me who never, ever considered doing something like that. Wives, moms, young, old, cops, lawyers... I could post on a Tuesday morning that I wanted to do a shoot, and by noon some woman would leave work to come take off her clothes for me. At my studio. Alone.
I had male photographer friends at the time who were puzzled by the phenomena, who tried to do the same (because who doesn't want to take pictures of naked ladies, right?!), but were incredibly unsuccessful even though their work was decent.
I include this only to emphasize that I do seem to have a certain ability to speak to women that draws them to me. Though now I wonder if it's a predatory trait that I never fully realized. I don't do it consciously with an objective in mind, it always just kind of “happens.”
With age, I've learned that I have to pay attention to warning signs if I see women getting too... interested... so that it doesn't lead to a situation where they're humping my leg and begging me to fuck them, since that seriously complicates things, since, you know... I'm married.
I realize that sounds like I'm stroking my ego, but it's legitimately happened. As it turns out, the wife does not approve of other women humping my leg and begging me to fuck them and it ended catastrophically and I do not wish to go through it again. Thus, I now pay closer attention to those signs and make sure to keep them in the 'friend zone.'
Anyway, more to come on all of this. I've still not fully wrapped my mind around the fact that, apparently, I'm a sadist and how to cope with it. It's a bit horrifying to see the overlap between myself and actual sexual predators, though.
If you're Dr. Emma Turley and reading this – I see you're now kind of a big deal, but it would be super interesting to talk to you about all of this. You can reach me via Session (link below).
— Mr. B.
You can reach me anonymously & securely on Session: 05286837660ea8cb0b8dd22741fa01a9b2459de0be25f4f717fc67caaf5755b620