The Discovery...
My sexual imagination started earlier in life than for most, I suspect. I was introduced to Playboy at around 6 and immediately became obsessed with women. Especially naked ones.
The older I got, the more obsessed I became. However, by around 10 my imagination started to turn a bit dark and most, if not all, of my fantasies involved power, control, and dominance – and usually didn't involve consent.
I'm not entirely sure what prompted it. I'm sure Freud would point to 'mommy issues,' which yes, there were some. I also had a physically abusive father, which I'm sure probably compounded it. But, by my early teens, it was all that I thought about.
I also started to become obsessed with computers and the internet, and this was in the early 90s so the internet was like the wild west and I spent a lot of time on IRC. For those who aren't aware of what IRC is, imagine Telegram or Discord, minus encryption, and no one there to monitor or police anything, and no big-brother sniffing data. There were no rules, or consequences for anything. It was a perfect place for a curious teen boy to explore all types of fucked up kinks and perversions. And I did exactly that.
I also met a girl. Well, as I was one of the 'l33t h4x0rs,' I had met a number of girls. All of the hacking channels had groupies, and all of the groupies went out of their way to try to be sluttier than the others in order to get our attention. And being young, horny boys, we took full advantage of their competitive nature.
But, I digress.
I met a girl, we'll call her Stacy, who I started a long-distance relationship with. When I met her, she told me that she was 14 and about to turn 15, and I had just turned 15 myself. She wasn't a typical groupie, as she found most of the other girls to be pathetic and never got involved in the attention seeking behavior, but, as I found out, she was definitely one of the kinkiest of them.
Her biggest fantasy was to be raped. And not consensually, either. She legitimately wanted to be raped by someone she didn't know. But, that fantasy went a step further, in that she also wanted to be 'snuffed.' I didn't immediately know what that meant, and this was pre-Google, so I had to ask for clarification. I was a bit shocked when she explained it to me.
Beyond that, she was also into beastiality and would send me pictures of her with her dog. She was also heavily into anal, which I suspect is where my obsession with that also began, and she was into anything involving her being humiliated.
It was a bit overwhelming at 15 to try to satisfy these desires of hers, especially since she was in Florida and I was... not anywhere near Florida, but I did my best. My parents eventually paid for me to go down to visit her, and then her parents paid to send her to my place. Which, looking back, is honestly kind of crazy. But, whatever. They had no idea what we were doing or talking about, so I'm sure they didn't think too much of it.
What's most alarming about all of this, however, is that she lied about her age.
*She was 12 when I met her.*
It wasn't until a year or two into our relationship that she finally admitted her real age to me. I must have been 16, almost 17, and her either 13 or 14. I have no idea how a 12 year old girl wound up being into the things she was into. She never told me about any abuse or trauma or anything, it just seemed to be something she was into.
We eventually parted ways, mostly due to the distance issue. Also, when she visited me she wanted to explore some of her kinks and I had no idea what I was doing, or how to do it, so it was all a bit awkward and I think that played the biggest role in us breaking up.
Anyway, already having fucked up non-consensual fantasies and then having a long term relationship with someone who's also into that, and even more extreme than I was, kind of cemented it in my brain and it's never subsided. It's become part of my identity that I do my best to keep hidden. I've only just recently opened up with my wife a bit about it, and we've been together for 15 years. She doesn't know the intimate details, but she knows enough to know that it's something that I struggle with.
It's nothing that I would act on, of course, which I think by this point I've proven, but it's always there and makes consensual interactions somewhat difficult to fully enjoy at times.
I'll share more in future posts, as this one is already getting long.
— Mr. B.
You can reach me anonymously & securely on Session: 05286837660ea8cb0b8dd22741fa01a9b2459de0be25f4f717fc67caaf5755b620