I happened across an interesting doctoral thesis written by Emma Turley entitled, It started when I barked once when I was licking his boots!’: A phenomenological study of the experience of bondage, discipline, dominance & submission, and sadism & masochism and I quickly started down the rabbit hole of trying to understand the psychology behind my darker desires.

In her thesis, she mentions the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and how it views various sexual kinks. I'm very familiar with the DSM due to having been diagnosed as autistic and using it to research myself, but for whatever reason it never occured to me to use it to diagnose other parts of my psyche.

Well, it didn't take long for me to find the Paraphilic Disorders and Sexual Sadism Disorder, which is described as:

”...recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the physical or psychological suffering of another person, as manifested by fantasies, urges, or behaviors” (p. 696). It was at this moment that my world was changed a bit. I'm obviously well aware of what a “sadist” is, or so I thought. My understanding was that it was limited to inflicting physical pain. I was unaware that the clinical definition of sadism also includes psychological pain and suffering, which is where my darkest kinks lie.

I never considered myself a sadist, because I don't really “get off” on inflicting physical pain. Even though I described experiencing a euphoria in this post, I don't believe that to be due to the pain I was inflicting, but rather the power and control I had over my wife in that moment. I could be wrong, though, as through this journey I'm learning a lot about myself that I didn't know. Though, in most of my dark fantasies, pain doesn't play a primary role, it's humiliation.

I've never explored any of my darker fantasies in real life, but I have through online roleplay for, well, about 30 years now.

My wife is aware that it's something I've done in the past, but she's not aware that it's something that I still do from time to time. I don't believe she would view it as 'cheating,' per se, since I don't have any relationship with the people I'm playing with, I don't know who they are in real life, I rarely play with the same person twice, and we don't ever talk outside of the context of roleplay, but I suspect it would hurt her in a few different ways. But, at the same time, she also knows that she can't give me some of the things that I desire, and I don't expect her to.

In fact, because I love and respect my wife, it would be extremely difficult for me to even consider doing these things to her, but that doesn't change the fact that I 'need' it.

I'm reading a book right now that's honestly kind of scaring me that is (unfortunately?) giving me further insight into some of this. It's by Roy Hazelwood, who was an FBI Criminal Profiler, called The Evil That Men Do: FBI Profiler Roy Hazelwood's Journey into the Minds of Sexual Predators. The part that is scary is that a lot of what he's heard from predators during his interviews exactly describes me.

It's honestly a bit horrifying and makes me wonder who, or what, is responsible for preventing me becoming one of them. What took place in my life that has allowed me to control and compartmentalize this part of me, where it clearly could have gone the other direction? Did having an outlet through roleplay allow me to feel like I was getting just enough of it to prevent me from going out and doing it for real? Or was it something else that I'm completely unaware of?

And, I guess the biggest question of all is, why do I think this way and have these fantasies in the first place?

It's also kind of ironic that I have zero male companions, but I cannot count how many female friends I have. Women have always been drawn to me. I'm very good at communicating with them, I understand how they think and feel, and I've spent years 'studying' them. I believe the latter is due to the whole autism thing, since it makes 'masking' easier if I understand them better.

And I've never cheated on my wife, but there have been a few close calls over the years where women, even married ones, have tried desperately to get me to fuck them. From what I've heard from them, it's the fact that I'm dominant and feel “dangerous” that's alluring to them. It's often made me wonder if perhaps they have a sixth sense that's picking up on my other self and they don't even realize it?

It's also made me wonder why the fuck they aren't listening to it. Seriously, ladies – ignore your pussy and trust your instincts.

I used to do photography as a side hustle and truly enjoyed it, but I quickly sexualized it and started shooting 'boudoir.' Between women feeling drawn to me (for whatever reason), and the fact that I was quite good at it, I had women wanting to shoot with me who never, ever considered doing something like that. Wives, moms, young, old, cops, lawyers... I could post on a Tuesday morning that I wanted to do a shoot, and by noon some woman would leave work to come take off her clothes for me. At my studio. Alone.

I had male photographer friends at the time who were puzzled by the phenomena, who tried to do the same (because who doesn't want to take pictures of naked ladies, right?!), but were incredibly unsuccessful even though their work was decent.

I include this only to emphasize that I do seem to have a certain ability to speak to women that draws them to me. Though now I wonder if it's a predatory trait that I never fully realized. I don't do it consciously with an objective in mind, it always just kind of “happens.”

With age, I've learned that I have to pay attention to warning signs if I see women getting too... interested... so that it doesn't lead to a situation where they're humping my leg and begging me to fuck them, since that seriously complicates things, since, you know... I'm married.

I realize that sounds like I'm stroking my ego, but it's legitimately happened. As it turns out, the wife does not approve of other women humping my leg and begging me to fuck them and it ended catastrophically and I do not wish to go through it again. Thus, I now pay closer attention to those signs and make sure to keep them in the 'friend zone.'

Anyway, more to come on all of this. I've still not fully wrapped my mind around the fact that, apparently, I'm a sadist and how to cope with it. It's a bit horrifying to see the overlap between myself and actual sexual predators, though.

If you're Dr. Emma Turley and reading this – I see you're now kind of a big deal, but it would be super interesting to talk to you about all of this. You can reach me via Session (link below).

— Mr. B.

You can reach me anonymously & securely on Session: 05286837660ea8cb0b8dd22741fa01a9b2459de0be25f4f717fc67caaf5755b620

Ever since embracing and exploring the Dom/sub dynamic, we haven't really fought about things the way we used to for a few different reasons:

1. She trusts and has full faith in me that decisions that I'm making are the best for her and the family, so rather than question or argue with me, she has learned to accept that most of those things aren't hers to worry about. And, because I'm a responsible man who loves his wife, I take that trust extremely seriously and knowing that she's putting 100% faith in me means that I absolutely cannot let her down or do anything that may erode her faith or trust in me. I understand that her submission to me is a gift, and it's fragile, and fucking up can have dire consequences.

2. Fights and arguments in a relationship are typically the result of two people who have the same authority having a strong opinion on the same topic. You don't fight with your child, right? They likely fight with you, but you are the authority figure and ultimately what you say goes. If you're fighting with them, you're doing it wrong. Same general idea in a D/s relationship. I mean, it's not exactly the same – I value my wife's opinions, desires, and input, and when she has a strong feeling about something, I take it into consideration and try to fulfill her desires, but if I, too, have a strong opinion on something, and it differs from hers, I am ultimately the authority figure and am the one to make the decision. And telling her 'no' is part of the reason she respects me, even though she doesn't like it at times. And even in cases where we have differing opinions, I sometimes do still relent, which ultimately means even more to her because she knows that I have the authority and willingness to tell her 'no.' Though, if I relent too often, she'll think I'm weak, so it's somewhat a balancing act.

3. When she does something that upsets me, she's punished. This makes it very clear to her that she's done something that has upset me, and she also knows that as soon as the punishment is done, the issue is resolved and it's not something that she's left wondering about. This was probably the biggest revelation when we made the “switch.” There is now a clear, defined end to an issue that doesn't leave room for her emotional anxiety to question and her imagination to raise doubt.

Well, our daughter has moved back in with us for awhile (it's been months now), which has created some serious difficulties for us. Our daughter doesn't fully know the extent of our dynamic and I imagine if she were to hear, or see, her mother being punished, it may raise some questions that I'm not sure we're ready to answer... at least not with her. She knows that we have a more 'traditional' marriage, but she doesn't know to what extent.

Ironically – she identifies as a “feminist,” but also idolizes my wife and I's marriage and relationship. I often wonder how it would change her opinion on either her views, or our marriage, if she knew the details.

Anyway – since she's always home now, because she's working from home and doing online college classes, it leaves very little opportunity for punishments -or- sex. Two incredibly important elements of this type of relationship, since both are used to define and reinforce the roles in the relationship.

As such, both of us unconsciously stopped addressing issues properly and instead began bottling them up just like we used to. This, of course, blossomed into a fight. And since there was also no punishment involved post fight, my wife is now emotionally distraught because she doesn't know how I'm truly feeling (even though I've told her), or if the fight is truly over (I've told her it is), or if I'm harboring any anger towards her (yep, also told her that I'm not). All of the things that typically get communicated and resolved during a punishment. And this one is especially difficult on her, because she knows that she did wrong and that it was her actions that really caused the fight.

We're finally going to have a whole day to ourselves on Saturday, so even though I don't care to issue punishments this long after an incident, I feel like it's necessary in order for her to feel like things are resolved.

...I'll also tie her up and fuck her brains out all day, which will also help... 😉

Incorporating punishments (we'd always had “funishments”) into our marriage was definitely an interesting process. With domestic violence being so prevalent, and being raised by a mom who completely fucked up my view of sex/women/relationships/etc., it felt wrong to punish her initially, and sometimes still does. But, I now see the benefits of it for both of us and it has only strengthened our bond and marriage, so as uncomfortable as it was in the beginning, the benefits have been worth it.

Also, if any of you reading this have any unique punishment ideas, hit me up via Session (link below). I'm always looking for creative ideas.

— Mr. B.

You can reach me anonymously & securely on Session: 05286837660ea8cb0b8dd22741fa01a9b2459de0be25f4f717fc67caaf5755b620

I haven't allowed that to happen for a few reasons, but mostly because I've compartmentalized the more extreme desires and impulses for so long that the idea of allowing them to come out feels incredibly uncomfortable.

And honestly the thought scares me a bit.

A part of any D/s dynamic is punishment, which is something that confuses most non-D/s couples. They can't fathom the idea of either punishing, or being punished by, their spouse or significant other. However, they ignore the emotional punishments that exists in their conflicts.

...Guilt trips, silent treatment, gaslighting, withholding sex or affection... Those are, in a lot of ways, more damaging than a physical punishment and have longer lasting effects that winds up hurting the foundation of the relationship.

Alternatively, if my wife does something that upsets me, I'll physically punish her. When the punishment is over, there's no lingering questions as to whether or not I'm still upset with her, there's no long term guilt tripping, there's no “oh yeah? well.. remember when...”

It's over and done with.

My wife appreciates the black and white nature of it. She likes not having to guess if I'm upset with her, or if she did something wrong, or if I'm still upset with her about something. It's clear, concise, and direct. And it upsets her if I've not punished her for something she knows she's done that upset me. But, I reserve punishments for things that truly upset me, not for the day-to-day annoyances that come with cohabiting with another person, though I think she would prefer that I punish her for those things as well.

Prior to us embracing this dynamic, things used to work the other way and it resulted in terrible fights that could last a week and the emotional turmoil was far more devastating than any physical punishment would have been.

And then there are other times where she's more upset with herself than I am of her, and she'll 'demand' a punishment. Typically I wind up punishing her more for demanding the punishment than of the thing she did, but whatever...

During one of these punishments, her 'brat' (more on that in a different post) side kept coming out and demanding more. So, I decided that I was going to put a hard stop to that and I allowed some of the side of me that I usually suppress to come out and play.

I had a whole body adrenaline rush that consumed me. It was a similar experience to losing my virginity. It was truly an indescribable euphoria.

However, her experience was much different. She knows her safeword, but she was in such shock that she lost the ability to process what was happening and couldn't speak.

Thankfully, I was quick to recognize this and stopped without her having to use her safeword, which I was happy about because one of the concerns I have is that if I were to let that side of me out, that I wouldn't be able to fully control it... turns out, I can.

I tried to give her aftercare (which was fucking hard, by the way. Going from euphoria like that to having to be compassionate and caring for someone else's emotional state is a jarring transition), but she was unresponsive. She was conscious, but I could look in her eyes and tell that she was absent.

She wound up going upstairs and bawled in the shower for about a half an hour.

I wasn't sure how to feel exactly. Part of me felt bad, part of me felt confused and irritated and like trust had been broken — she knows her safeword and that she's to use it before it gets to this point, and yet another part of me wanted to live in that euphoria forever.

We talked quite a bit when she came back down. I made it clear that I was upset with her for not using her safeword and she explained what happened.

She also informed me that she didn't think that she had use of her safeword during punishments, ”...because it's a punishment and it's up to you to determine what and how much I deserve.” 🤯

I made sure to immediately correct that, as I had no idea that all this time she'd not realized that she ultimately had the power to make a punishment stop. I have no idea how she came to that conclusion, but it's certainly not something that I told her.

Anyway, she's fine. Aside from some bruising and tears, she survived. She was a bit concerned when, after the fact, she asked “how hard” I went and I told her maybe 5-10%. I informed her that I had just begun to experience pleasure from it when her brain broke and I stopped myself.

She wants so desperately to fulfill all of my needs and desires, but I think she's learning that there are limits to what she's capable of handling. I also have to be aware of this, too, because I know that she will push herself well outside of her comfort zone to try to appease me, so I have to be ready to recognize and intervene if I see her doing that.

— Mr. B.

You can reach me anonymously & securely on Session: 05286837660ea8cb0b8dd22741fa01a9b2459de0be25f4f717fc67caaf5755b620

I started playing with computers when I was around 10 or so. We got our first modem when I was around 12 and I immediately began connecting to various BBS ('Bulletin Board Systems') in my area. That transitioned into AOL (puke), which gave me some access to the actual internet.

It didn't take too long paying $3.50/hr, or whatever it was, to find an internet provider and gain unfettered access to the whole internet that didn't come with a dollar-per-hour charge.

I quickly discovered IRC, which then led to an interest in hacking. I was part of a few very well-known groups—one of which you can still find articles about, as well as related indictments listed in the DOJ archives. We hacked anything and everything, from NASA, to CNN, to... NASA again, a bunch of times, to the DoJ, Whitehouse, FBI, China... in one evening we managed to take all of China off-line. According to the indictments and what I was told by the friendly DoD/FBI officers that arrested me, we “nearly started WWIII” because, apparently, China thought we were NSA hackers that were targeting them.

Silly China. The US didn't have a clue enough to know that they needed hackers at that time.

Anyway. As I mentioned, I did eventually get busted for hacking a big no-no site that the government takes extremely seriously due to it's top-secret nature. I'll let you use your imagination as to which one it was.

I was 17 ½ when I was busted, and thankfully had some friends in the FBI, and one very special friend (we'll call her Em) who worked at this pseudo-NGO-thing-that-was-actually-a-front-for-the-NSA. I had absolutely no idea at the time that she was an agent, or that the organization she was working for had anything to do with the government, but she was aware of my upcoming arrest, so when I was taken into custody she contacted the field officer that was responsible for my case and I was made an offer.

This was extremely common back then, as it was the only way the government was able to 'hire' hackers, but Em knew that I was absolutely never going to narc on my friends, and she also knew that my motivation behind hacking the no-no site wasn't entirely malicious (I mean, at least not malicious towards the government), so she proposed a different idea.

Em wanted me to help her catch pedophiles and those trading and dealing in CSAM (“Child Sexual Abuse Material” – that's what it's referred to now, it used to just be called “kiddie porn”).

Obviously I immediately jumped at this opportunity, since it meant that I wouldn't go to jail, wouldn't do the trial shit, wouldn't have a record, -and- I got to basically hack with a “Get out of Jail Free” card, so long as I was only targeting those that they wanted targeted.

So, they dropped whatever official charges they had planned to charge me with, gave me a codename, and started feeding me intel that I would then act on. Obviously it was a bit tricky for them to use the information I was providing, considering that it was totally obtained illegally, but they never seemed to struggle too badly.

I'd turn over information, hear nothing for awhile, and then they would randomly show up someplace they knew I was, I'd get in the back of their car, and we'd shoot the shit for a few, and they'd hand me an envelope with cash in it and I'd get out and go about my day. I learned to connect the dots. Envelope of cash = the intel that I provided returned results... typically in the form of an arrest.

A lot of what I was doing was tracking down website/data hosting locations. Pedophiles would set up hosting in countries that were difficult, or impossible, to extradite from or work with, and the back end data was stored somewhere else – typically on a server in the US, or, at least that was always the FBI's hope. Due to bandwidth limitations of the time, it kind of had to work this way in order for a site to be usable. If the data were hosted overseas, the time it would take to load a single picture would have been painful and the site unusable.

It was fairly easy. For as dumb as the government was at that time when it came to technology and the internet, pedophiles were only slightly less inept and they knew very little about Operational Security. Some were better than others, but once I was given a target, I don't believe I ever once failed to find the person's identity that was responsible for the site.

*But, what this meant, was that I was exposed to a lot of seriously terrible shit at a pretty impressionable age.*

I have autism, which is probably the only thing that reduced the impact of all of this on me. At least emotionally. I never had the emotional response to it that others did. It really took a toll on some of the agents that I worked with, though. There were always stories of agents in the FBI (and other agencies) who wound up in therapy, or abused alcohol or drugs, or had domestic/marital issues, or ate a bullet because of the shit they were exposed to while doing this.

But, I would be lying if I said that it didn't affect my fantasy life. No, I'm not a pedophile, but there's no way to be exposed to that type of shit at that age and not have your fantasy life get super fucked up. Or, in my case, more fucked up.

This type of work is done differently nowadays because of the toll it's taken on those who have worked in this and similar fields. Now CSAM is identified by file hashes and AI. There are still human reviewers, and I'm sure they deal with the same issues the rest of us have, but as far as I know, they try to limit human exposure to it as much as possible now.

— Mr. B.

You can reach me anonymously & securely on Session: 05286837660ea8cb0b8dd22741fa01a9b2459de0be25f4f717fc67caaf5755b620

The older I got, the more obsessed I became. However, by around 10 my imagination started to turn a bit dark and most, if not all, of my fantasies involved power, control, and dominance – and usually didn't involve consent.

I'm not entirely sure what prompted it. I'm sure Freud would point to 'mommy issues,' which yes, there were some. I also had a physically abusive father, which I'm sure probably compounded it. But, by my early teens, it was all that I thought about. I also started to become obsessed with computers and the internet, and this was in the early 90s so the internet was like the wild west and I spent a lot of time on IRC. For those who aren't aware of what IRC is, imagine Telegram or Discord, minus encryption, and no one there to monitor or police anything, and no big-brother sniffing data. There were no rules, or consequences for anything. It was a perfect place for a curious teen boy to explore all types of fucked up kinks and perversions. And I did exactly that.

I also met a girl. Well, as I was one of the 'l33t h4x0rs,' I had met a number of girls. All of the hacking channels had groupies, and all of the groupies went out of their way to try to be sluttier than the others in order to get our attention. And being young, horny boys, we took full advantage of their competitive nature.

But, I digress.

I met a girl, we'll call her Stacy, who I started a long-distance relationship with. When I met her, she told me that she was 14 and about to turn 15, and I had just turned 15 myself. She wasn't a typical groupie, as she found most of the other girls to be pathetic and never got involved in the attention seeking behavior, but, as I found out, she was definitely one of the kinkiest of them.

Her biggest fantasy was to be raped. And not consensually, either. She legitimately wanted to be raped by someone she didn't know. But, that fantasy went a step further, in that she also wanted to be 'snuffed.' I didn't immediately know what that meant, and this was pre-Google, so I had to ask for clarification. I was a bit shocked when she explained it to me.

Beyond that, she was also into beastiality and would send me pictures of her with her dog. She was also heavily into anal, which I suspect is where my obsession with that also began, and she was into anything involving her being humiliated.

It was a bit overwhelming at 15 to try to satisfy these desires of hers, especially since she was in Florida and I was... not anywhere near Florida, but I did my best. My parents eventually paid for me to go down to visit her, and then her parents paid to send her to my place. Which, looking back, is honestly kind of crazy. But, whatever. They had no idea what we were doing or talking about, so I'm sure they didn't think too much of it.

What's most alarming about all of this, however, is that she lied about her age.

*She was 12 when I met her.*

It wasn't until a year or two into our relationship that she finally admitted her real age to me. I must have been 16, almost 17, and her either 13 or 14. I have no idea how a 12 year old girl wound up being into the things she was into. She never told me about any abuse or trauma or anything, it just seemed to be something she was into.

We eventually parted ways, mostly due to the distance issue. Also, when she visited me she wanted to explore some of her kinks and I had no idea what I was doing, or how to do it, so it was all a bit awkward and I think that played the biggest role in us breaking up.

Anyway, already having fucked up non-consensual fantasies and then having a long term relationship with someone who's also into that, and even more extreme than I was, kind of cemented it in my brain and it's never subsided. It's become part of my identity that I do my best to keep hidden. I've only just recently opened up with my wife a bit about it, and we've been together for 15 years. She doesn't know the intimate details, but she knows enough to know that it's something that I struggle with.

It's nothing that I would act on, of course, which I think by this point I've proven, but it's always there and makes consensual interactions somewhat difficult to fully enjoy at times.

I'll share more in future posts, as this one is already getting long.

— Mr. B.

You can reach me anonymously & securely on Session: 05286837660ea8cb0b8dd22741fa01a9b2459de0be25f4f717fc67caaf5755b620

...or, perhaps, it just scares us...

For a number of reasons, I am going to remain mostly anonymous, but you can call me Mr. B.

I'm in my 40s, I have been married for 15 years, and I'm a Dom.

Only within the last 2 or 3 have we openly acknowledged the power dynamic that we have in our marriage. It's mostly always existed, as my wife is submissive by nature, but we never labeled or acknowledged it, and I never really recognized my Dominant side as being what it is. The purpose of this blog is to document my experiences in my role as a Dominant, this journey with my wife, the struggles we've faced, and other complications (and blessings) that come from a 24/7 D/s marriage.

...and I suspect these experiences and challenges are not unique to us.

It's been a long time since I've maintained a blog, but I needed an outlet where I could express some of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of being censored, harassed, or fired, as the concept of a D/s marriage is still considered “taboo” in a lot of ways and in a lot of people's opinions.

— Mr. B.

You can reach me anonymously & securely on Session: 05286837660ea8cb0b8dd22741fa01a9b2459de0be25f4f717fc67caaf5755b620